ARE YOU DATING A WITCH? Brick Rivers REPORTS | Weekly World News
Are you Dating a Witch?
3:15 on a regular Friday Brick Rivers Reports
PROFESSOR SAYS THAT THERE ARE MORE HUMAN-WITCH COUPLES THAN YOU’D THINK.
Professor Julio Chinchilla, holds up a copy of his new book, “That Voodoo That You Do To Me,” and smiles, ruefully. “When I started researching the concept of marriage or a relationship between a human male and a female witch, most people thought I was crazy. Well, to be honest, it was during a period where I chased cars, nipping at the tires, but, still, a good idea.”
The Professor continues. “During the pandemic, I had a lot of time on my hands as well as medications, and really dove into the matter. I was surprised to find that there’s a whole, new generation of attractive witches who want to get involved with ordinary human males. And, it makes sense. Most witches, today, are avoiding their magical male counterparts in that warlocks, wizards, and masters of the black arts are as idiotic as most human males at a tailgate party. They’re misogynistic, beating their chests and viewing their females as mere sex objects.
“During the pandemic, young witches opened and operated ‘witchy’ dating services. A lot of men hooked up with them, especially those in their late twenties and early thirties. By that age, they’ve probably had one or two relationships that left a bad taste in their mouths, sort of like bitter almonds.
WITCH PARTNERS
“By dating or marrying a witch, these men relaxed a bit. They were more open to a real relationship. Their wives or girlfriends were powerful in their own right and the men backed off the ‘I own you’ approach. Their witch partners would do anything for their new ‘PWBs’ (Pets with benefits.), taking care of them like a mother would as well as being fantastic in bed.”
The Professor chuckles. “It’s kind of weird, but it seems to be working. This year alone, there have been over 1,000 witch-human weddings and I would say there are ten times that amount who are dating.
“Most witches are very open about their beliefs and powers with their male hubbies. However, there are some witches who want to ease their human partners into the concept of sorcery.”
And, for those men who feel their wives or girlfriends have a strange “hex appeal,” WWN presents:
Professor Chinchilla’s TEN WAYS TO TELL IF YOUR TRUE LOVE IS A WITCH.
#1: SHE REFUSES TO RELEASE DOVES AT YOUR WEDDING, PREFERRING RAVENS.
#2: HER FAVORITE PIZZA TOPPINGS ARE “LIZARDS LEGS AND OWLET’S WINGS.”
#3: YOU CATCH A GLIMPSE OF HER COMBING THE SNAKES IN HER HAIR.
#4: SHE REFUSES TO PUSH A VACUUM CLEANER AT HOME, ALWAYS USING A BROOM, INSTEAD.
#5: WHEN SHE’S ANGRY, SHE TURNS YOU INTO A NEWT.
#6: ALL YOUR MEALS ARE PREPARED IN A CAULDRON.
#7: WHILE STROLLING IN A PARK, SHE DOESN’T FEED THE PIGEONS, SHE FEEDS THE BUZZARDS.
#8: WHEN SHE WATCHES “THE WIZARD OF OZ,” SHE ROOTS FOR THE WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST.
#9: SHE CAN DISAPPEAR FOR DAYS, LITERALLY. RIGHT BEFORE YOUR EYES.
#10: HER ‘GUARD DOG’ IS A GIANT TOAD.
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