Royal Oak in Uproar as “Conspiracy Doctors” Hand Out Secret Cannabis Deals

Royal Oak, MI – A group of eccentric doctors has recently taken to the streets of downtown Royal Oak, handing out what they claim are “prescriptions” to the general public. But these aren’t ordinary prescriptions for aspirin or antibiotics. These rogue physicians, dressed in lab coats that appear to be made of tinfoil and adorned with conspiracy-theory slogans, are prescribing discounts on cannabis, promising the public access to “the hidden truths” of medicine.

Eyewitnesses report the so-called “Conspiracy Doctors” are handing out these dubious prescriptions on every corner—at coffee shops, tattoo parlors, and even outside the Royal Oak Farmers Market. Each prescription allegedly comes with a secret code that, when deciphered, unlocks a discount at local dispensaries. The discount is often paired with outlandish medical advice, such as “To cure your anxiety, follow the path of the pyramid-shaped clouds” or “Your back pain is caused by suppressed memories of ancient aliens.”

“They came up to me while I was just grabbing lunch, and the next thing I know, I’m holding a prescription for 20% off premium edibles,” said local resident Samantha Green. “They told me it was the cure for modern capitalism-induced stress.”

Local businesses are feeling the strain. “People are coming in with these ‘prescriptions’ and demanding their secret cannabis deals,” said one bewildered dispensary owner. “I’m not sure what’s real anymore.”

Despite the bizarre nature of the situation, some citizens have embraced the madness. “Honestly, if a doctor in a tinfoil hat tells me there’s a 15% discount on top-shelf indica strains, who am I to argue? That’s just science,” said Royal Oak resident Steve Jacobson, whose prescription cryptically advised him to “follow the energy vortex near the traffic roundabout.”

City officials are scrambling to contain the chaos, issuing statements urging residents not to take medical advice from anyone who “claims to have decoded the hidden frequencies of Wi-Fi signals.”

Authorities, however, are unsure how to stop the so-called Conspiracy Doctors, who seem to appear and disappear as mysteriously as they arrived. “It’s like trying to catch smoke with a butterfly net,” said Officer Mike Travis of the Royal Oak Police Department. “One moment they’re here, handing out 25% discounts on sativa, and the next, they’re gone—probably hiding in the shadow of a chemtrail.”

As downtown Royal Oak continues to buzz with rumors of cannabis discounts and medical conspiracies, one thing is certain: this quirky invasion of “doctors” has turned the town upside down. So if you’re in Royal Oak and happen to be approached by a doctor with a penchant for wild theories, just know—you might be walking away with more than just a weird conversation. You could leave with a prescription for some of the best cannabis deals in Michigan. Just make sure to decipher the code before the next solar flare.

As the mystery of the Conspiracy Doctors deepened, curious locals began digging for answers. After following a trail of half-baked theories and cryptic cannabis coupons, one bold investigator stumbled upon the shocking truth: all roads led back to The Clinic Cannabis dispensary.

In a plot twist worthy of a sci-fi thriller, it was revealed that The Clinic had orchestrated the entire fiasco. An anonymous whistleblower—disguised as a customer in a Bob Marley t-shirt—confirmed that the dispensary had let the tinfoil-clad “doctors” loose on the unsuspecting public to boost foot traffic. The scheme, dubbed “Operation Puff and Prescribe,” was a last-ditch effort to outshine Royal Oak’s other dispensaries.

“It was all about driving more customers through our doors,” confessed an unnamed employee. “We thought, what better way than sending out a bunch of eccentric doctors with wild theories and secret discounts? It was genius… until people started asking if they could pay in bitcoin or conspiracy theories.”

As the doctors handed out more discount-laden prescriptions, foot traffic to The Clinic skyrocketed. Curious residents flocked to the dispensary, eager to redeem their codes and maybe—just maybe—unlock the secret to perfect health through premium indica.

“We wanted to be different. To stand out,” said the marketing mastermind behind the plan. “And what’s more Royal Oak than blending cannabis, eccentric characters, and a dash of harmless conspiracy? Sure, it’s unconventional, but it worked.”

In the end, while the conspiracy doctors have since vanished, rumors still swirl about a new “doctor” scheduled to appear in the fall, prescribing discounts on gummies based on your zodiac sign. Meanwhile, The Clinic Cannabis dispensary has solidified its position as the most talked-about spot in Royal Oak, proving that when it comes to business, sometimes a little madness is just what the doctor ordered.