In a bizarre turn of events, the 3Fifteen Provisioning Center in Battle Creek, Michigan was overrun by zombies last night. Eyewitnesses reported seeing the undead horde stumbling through the streets, drawn to the center like moths to a flame.
According to store manager Tom Smith, the zombies made short work of the store’s security guards, who were, unfortunately, no match for their insatiable hunger for brains. “It was like something out of a horror movie,” Smith said, “they just kept coming and coming, moaning and groaning the whole time.”
The 3Fifteen Provisioning Center is a popular dispensary known for its high-quality marijuana products. It’s unclear why the zombies were so interested in the store, but some speculate that they were attracted by the sweet smell of the weed.
Local law enforcement officials were quick to respond to the incident, but their efforts to contain the zombie outbreak were largely ineffective. “We tried everything from tear gas to tasers,” said Police Chief Robert Johnson, “but nothing seemed to stop these zombies in their tracks.”
As the night wore on, the situation grew increasingly dire. The zombies had completely overrun the 3Fifteen Provisioning Center, and were now spilling out onto the streets. “It was like a scene from The Walking Dead,” said one eyewitness, “except with way more weed.”
In the end, it took a team of intrepid stoners armed with bongs and bowls to drive the zombies away. “We just lit up and blew smoke in their faces,” said one of the heroes, who wished to remain anonymous. “It was like they didn’t even want to eat us anymore.”
The 3Fifteen Provisioning Center is now closed for business until further notice, but officials are confident that the zombie threat has been contained. “We’ve learned a lot from this experience,” said Mayor Mike Duggan, “and we’re confident that we can prevent something like this from happening again in the future.”
Battle Creek Michigan 49015