Bigfoot Exposes Herself For a Tell-ALL Explosive Interview. She Bares-ALL Telling the Naked Truth Behind The Cannabis Scene in Michigan.
“Relax and take notes, while I take tokes of the marijuana smoke.” –The Notorious B.I.G.
Today, I am a little bubbly almost fizzy really. I met some special folks over at Bigfoot Wellness in Burton. See, I had heard rumors of Bigfoot showing up in burton on occasion, but now that I am a full-time investigative journalist, I knew this was a story worth chasing. I was blown away when I neared the entrance, but before I could say “abracadabra” -the door opened wide, and I was greeted with a cheerful “Welcome.” I instantly felt a warm cheerful business that I will be returning to again and again…
Don’t want to wait an hour before you get that rush of complete bliss? Well, we’ve got your back!
Bill Azin Reports:
November 6-8th Burton, Michigan
I was out hunting some shatter day specials, but since I had heard of the Bigfoot rumors in Burton I thought maybe I could catch some wax and maybe a glimpse of Bigfoot. I had no idea what I was in for.
***If you are not 31 or older please do not read the rest of this article, I beg you. ***
Last month I had overheard the little blonde fairy at Vehicle City Social when she fluttered by telling her fairytale friend that during certain moon phases Bigfoot is spotted at or around Bigfoot Wellness in Burton. And when I found out that Bigfoot Wellness is having a special celebrity guest appearance tomorrow I knew that I had to go. (Pretty intuitive eh?)
Rumor is that Bigfoot will be working the counter on Mondays from 12 to 3 for photo opportunities and informing customers about daily promotions. She might even tell us more about her lifestyle, which we know very little of. She’s an important celebrity in the Michigan cannabis community that has remained a mystery for a long time.
And this is how that went…
The night before the interview I had trouble falling asleep so I consulted my jar of buds to be graciously given a nug around 1.5g of gorilla fu*k. This strain although uplifting and creative at first has a way of reminding me that it is bedtime, and rest is good for everyone. I’m just so excited because I am going to meet one of the most important celebrities in the Michigan cannabis community. She is a mystery and tomorrow will be my chance to solve that mystery once and for all! How cool would it be if she was just this old woman with glasses, but then when you went up to her, she said “Booyah!”? I think that would make me lose my mind.
Bigfoot walked into the reception room with a formidable expression on her face and hollars “I’m so excited to work here! I’ve been reading up on what you do and it sounds really interesting. How can I help?” Her voice was full of enthusiasm as she sat across from me, waiting for an answer.
“Well, I am very thankful that you are willing to meet with me on such short notice. I am one of your biggest fan’s and the Michigan cannabis community is grateful for taking some of our long-lasting questions. It’s no mystery that your fame is worldwide and that people all over the world want to know more about Bigfoot. I need to ask you some tough questions, but I promise to remain a gentleman out of my enormous respect for you and to maintain your mysterious nature.
“Oh, don’t you worry none. I am just a good ol’ country girl who likes smoking weed and spookin on folk. We get a kick out of our fans and yes, we have maintained my mysteriousness while yall humans figure things out. We like to stay in the background and watch. We have seen the humans not get it right a few times now, but this time around we think you might have it figured out,,,”
Figured what out Bigfoot?
That’s a whole other conversation Bill. Some other time, when we have many blunts and a hot tub darlin.
If that’s a date, then I am ready when you are BF. ( Yeah I called her BF.)
*sighs, So, Bill what is it that the Michigan cannabis community wants to know about their cousin Bigfoot?
“Bigfoot, can you tell me a little bit about your personal life?”
“You look like you have some great questions for me” she told me while taking another sip of her herbal tea. “I’m not really sure what you’re looking for though.”. “I’m not sure if it’s okay to talk about,” she said hesitantly.
“I promise that it won’t get out,” I whispered in her ear as we were sitting down on the couch. She knew my secret and now she needed some peace of mind; it felt like we were friends for years instead of hours.
“It all started when I was 17,” she began to blubber to me with tears flowing down her cheeks, “a friend introduced me to weed products by telling me that we were going to a candy store, but it was really a provisioning center. The tale gets funnier but that’s not what you came for she blurts out in laughter spraying my face with bigfoot-slobber and specs of edibles.
Do you prefer sasquatch, abominable snowman, yeti, or just plain bigfoot?
Yes, I’m from the Bigfoot clan. I am a Bigfoot. We do not have individualization in our clan. We are all Bigfoot. We can all replicate, so we do not need to procreate, so we hump only for spiritual bonding with fellow bigfoot.
Wow, I am surprised how open and honest and downright upfront with these private matters you are.
We Bigfoot have encouraged the humans as we can because after all, we share this planet together, but our ways may seem very strange to you until actually realize that all is actually just love. It’s hard to fathom, I understand, a little like bigfoot I suppose.
she laughs out loud “Bahahaha”, and winks at me.
What is your pronoun bigfoot? Miss, Mrs, or ms?
Oh, Hunny, I’m from the country. You can call my darling, darlin. But don’t call me late for supper.
Tell me about your family, do you have brothers and sisters?
The bigfoot clan is a very large nuclear family that all love one another. Of course, we have some black sheep, but they are uplifted by all family members so that they may reach their highest potential. We cannot fix stupid, but we can encourage and enlighten our fellow bigfoots. We are a large family and yall think that there is only 1 so we need to maintain our image. The real trouble starts when one of our dummies meets one of your dummies. That’s how fires get started out west. Damn tweakers.
What’s your favorite strain?
OG Kush proper grown in California Sun. No offense Michigan, but my first nug of OG kush was a memory burned in my happy files for life. I love a proper OG Kush.
What’s your favorite way to consume cannabis?
Tree Bong. I have a 50-foot oak up north that I jam full of snow and ice in the winter for one of the coolest drags of cold smoke you’ve ever had. I burn a whole bush in a weekend.
Your favorite cannabis brand?
Farm Science. I love them from the tip down to the craft artisan flowers. The preroll burns perfect to the tip.
What’s your favorite meal?
I really love a big fat pastie. You can never go wrong with a pastie. Lots of gravy and hot sauce. Mmmmm
What do you do for fun?
Chasing woodland animals is great, but spooking tweakers is my ultimate favorite. I really will miss this after you all clean this problem up. It’s so much fun. Kind of like cow-tipping 2.0
Favorite part of Michigan?
Beaver Island for sure. Love the food there.
What are you proud of?
We invented “hide and seek”. Your welcome.
How big is your foot?
I have no idea. I have never worn shoes, thus never measured my feet.
Something you never thought would happen in your life?
Honestly, I never thought that you idiots would ever legalize cannabis. I am so damn proud of you all! Really it wasn’t so scary now was it? Fear has been the standard mode of people for generations. It has been an effective tool for commanding people to make them behave with lots of improvement from where you started. But now it is time for a new state of consciousness. Not of fear, but of love. Cannabis will guide you, and we will spook them tweakers. Lmao
Get some, Lord knows we all need it.