Deadly Heatwave News Story by Apocalyptic Preacher
4:20 ON A TUESDAY:
Extremely hot weather this week has caused some freakish situations all across the State of Michigan, none of which is more newsworthy than the eruption that started in Burton. The scene at 4086 S Dort Hwy is something like out of a Hollywood movie. The insane heat this week was not only brought to you by God’s judgment but also to remind the sinners what awaits them in their near future. This week we have a small taste of the Hellfire that is to come!
The earth shakes and a giant boom echoes from the direction of Burton. The ground beneath Jace’s feet begins to rumble as if he needs to be shaken out of slumber. He balances on shaky legs as his eyes dart back and forth across the horizon for any sign that would tell him what is going on. His gaze lands elsewhere when he sees an eruption in the distance, bursting out from a mountain not too far away from where he stands now.
“I’m not sure what it is about this place, but I always find myself coming back”. Jace continues on, “There are plenty of other places in the state to live you know? But for some reason or another, I keep ending up back here. It’s probably because every time I come home, there is a new story waiting for me at my doorstep”.
I don’t know who would believe that just seconds ago an entire mountain had erupted into flames right before my very eyes! Radio stations have been reporting on this incident all day and now people are rushing out to see if they can catch a glimpse of this inferno themselves. It’s crazy how quickly things change around here!
The first signs of asphalt fire were after big John stepped out of his truck. Almost instantly his foot sunk into the flaming pavement. His foot then spontaneously combusted shooting flames up his sweatpants burning his favorite pair of sponge bob silk boxers. John was very distraught as he explained to the local EMS about what happened.
” I was just gettin outa my truck when my dang balls set fire! As soon as my foot hit the ground- Bang! that fire went straight up my doggone trousers scorching my poor family jewels”
The deadly heatwave has caused some serious problems this week, however, no one was expecting this kind of situation. “The Lord works in mysterious ways” the apocalyptic Preacher turned open his bible to revelations and reads loudly
“he also will drink of the wine of the wrath of God, which is mixed in full strength in the cup of His anger; and he will be tormented with fire and brimstone in the presence of the holy angels and in the presence of the Lamb!”
Big Jonh just came up to Nature’s Releaf to pick up a couple of prerolls and something special for the missis on their anniversary which is this Friday. Little did John know that Nature’s ReLeaf was celebrating Topical Tuesdays where everyone gets 15% off all topicals and CBD. He picked up some highly recommended topical by Michigan Organic Rub at a nice discount.
Big John was not the only victim with burned shoes, clothing, and feet. There were many eager Michigan Medical Marijuana Patients hopping about trying to enter the provisioning center without too many burns.
“This is quite a sight to behold”. Preacher stated. “The sinners now know what they are up against! This should be a lesson for these deplorables who smoke the devil’s lettuce!
“The heat swirled around me as I walked up to the door. The air trapped in my lungs and refused to let go. A mix of sweat, dirt, and disappointment had formed on my skin like a deodorant fail. As I got closer to the front porch of Nature’s Releaf it started getting more difficult for me not to break down. This was nothing like what we had planned for this summer vacation but that’s how life goes sometimes: full of surprises and never playing out according to plan. We didn’t think we’d be running from our own house because an eruption erupted next door; we also didn’t expect any earthquakes here in Michigan either but there’s always a first time for everything!
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