Space Monkeys Take Over Ann Arbor, Michigan
Before humans went into space in the 1960s, several other animals were launched into space, including numerous other primates, so that scientists could investigate the biological effects of spaceflight. The United States launched flights containing primate passengers primarily between 1948 and 1961 with one flight in 1969 and one in 1985.
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Space Monkeys Take Over Provisioning Center continued..
France launched two monkey-carrying flights in 1967. The Soviet Union and Russia launched monkeys between 1983 and 1996. Most primates were anesthetized before lift-off. But now their back and they are desperately searching for a different kind of moon rock.
Overall, thirty-two non-human primates flew in the space program; none flew more than once. Numerous backup primates also went through the programs but never flew. Monkeys and apes from several species were used, But now they have returned and they apparently want cannabis.
They want cannabis so much that they have taken over one provisioning center in Ann Arbor. According to one passerby the space monkeys were having trouble finding the front door and literally covered the building screaming as they tried to punch holes in the walls trying to get high.
“Somebody gives these apes some weed!” screams U of M grad student
The first primate astronaut was Albert, a rhesus macaque, who on June 11, 1948, rode to over 63 km (39 mi) on a V-2 rocket. Albert died of suffocation during the flight. This primate unfortunately could not join the pot-party at Liberty Meds Ann Arbor Michigan.
Albert was followed by Albert II, who survived the V-2 flight but died on impact on June 14, 1949, after a parachute failure. Albert II became the first monkey and the first primate in space as his flight reached 134 km (83 mi) – past the Kármán line of 100 km taken to designate the beginning of space. Albert III died at 35,000 feet (10.7 km) in an explosion of his V2 on September 16, 1949. Albert IV, on the last monkey V-2 flight, died on impact on December 8 that year after another parachute failure. His flight reached 130.6 km. Alberts, I, II, and IV were rhesus macaques while Albert III was a crab-eating macaque.
Now you know why these monkeys want weed so badly. All their predecessors are dead!
Monkeys later flew on Aerobee rockets. On April 18, 1951, a monkey, possibly called Albert V, died due to parachute failure. Yorick, also called Albert VI, along with 11 mouse crewmates, reached 236,000 ft (72 km, 44.7 mi) and survived the landing, on September 20, 1951, the first monkey to do so (the dogs Dezik, and Tsygan had survived a trip to space in July of that year), although he died 2 hours later.
Two of the mice also died after recovery; all of the deaths were thought to be related to stress from overheating in the sealed capsule in the New Mexico sun while awaiting the recovery team. Albert VI’s flight surpassed the 50-mile boundary the U.S. used for spaceflight but was below the international definition of space. Patricia and Mike, two cynomolgus monkeys, flew on May 21, 1952, and survived, but their flight was only to 26 kilometers.
On December 13, 1958, Gordo, also called Old Reliable, a squirrel monkey, survived being launched aboard Jupiter AM-13 by the US Army. He was killed due to mechanical failure of the parachute recovery system in the rocket nose cone.
The moral of this story is that if you ever see a space monkey please take time to thank it for the service and facing ultimate death for our shenanigans. And For god’s sake give the damned ape some weed!